What are YOUR Ethics and Scruples?

SITUATION: Your neighbor has just bought a small, yapping dog that is left outside and barks at everything from a light breeze onwards. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're a high school student. The local "jock" is making time with all the ladies at a party. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a toy collector. You see a Star Wars figure for $6.79 that you can get five times that much for on the secondary market. But a small child already has it in his hands, and has the money for it. Do you...?

SITUATION: You work in an office far too reminiscent of "Dilbert". A despised co-worker is choking in the lunchroom. Only you have had lifesaving training. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your house is on fire and your spouse and children are in danger! Do you...?

SITUATION: You live in an apartment. New neighbors have a stereo that would deafen "KISS" and management does nothing. The neighbors have cursed at you when you tried to talk to them. Do you...?

SITUATION: It is a hot summer day. Your six year old son has just dashed outside stark naked to play in the yard. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're in a movie theater. Everyone's quiet except the nacho-chomping couple behind you with the whining 3-year-old. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your neighbor's pet keeps leaving souvenirs and "marking its territory" on your lawn. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your wife, with whom you're not getting along too well, invites friends over and you're not welcome. Do you...?

SITUATION: You see a small group of protesters burning the American Flag. Do you...?

SITUATION: A car in your neighborhood has an alarm so sensitive that sneezing near it sets it off, and it wails forever. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're a minimum-wage worker at a fast-food joint. You win on a $100 million lottery ticket! With regard to your job, do you...?

SITUATION: Three teenage punks on bicycles have just nearly run you down. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're in a high-rise office building's elevator with four strangers. The elevator jams and the phone doesn't work. Do you...?

SITUATION: A youngster in your apartment neighborhood has a noisy radio-controlled car he keeps driving past your window. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your neighbor's small dog has developed an intimate infatuation with your leg. Do you...?

SITUATION: An infection wipes out your child's half-dozen hamsters while he's at school one day? Do you...?

SITUATION: You've just another annoying sales call during dinner. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 9-year-old son has just returned from playing in the park, and somehow got plastered head to toe in thick, drying mud. He's right at the door. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your neighbor has just bought a parrot. All it does is squawk incessantly. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're a hopeless cyber-geek. You've barely been away from your computer for six months. A friend intervenes and drags you outside to see a sunset. Do you...?

SITUATION: You encounter a street mime who starts to mimic your actions. Do you...?

SITUATION: You take your young son to the zoo. Upon viewing the monkey cage, you discover that the animals are having intimate relations. Your son is very curious about what they're doing. Do you...?

SITUATION: An astoundingly boring couple has come to visit and has overstayed their welcome by hours. Do you...?

SITUATION: A UFO has just landed near you and four aliens are approaching. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your eight-year-old son only likes playing with Barbies. As a father, this concerns you. Do you...?

SITUATION: A pigeon has just unloaded on your precious, freshly washed car. The culprit is in a nearby tree, cooing away as if in laughter. Do you...?

SITUATION: A very peculiar genetic quirk has resulted in your newborn son having bright green skin, which he will have the rest of his life. Do you and your spouse...?

SITUATION: You're on a business trip. You and your colleague can either room together or separately in the hotel. He wants to room together. You'd like to have your own room. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your young son and daughter have just announced they want to be "Adam and Eve" for Halloween. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're at a nationally-televised football game. Suddenly, the camera is on you! It's your chance for a few seconds of nation-wide fame! Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a teenager left at home alone by trusting parents who have gone on vacation. But your father accidentally left behind his SuperUltimate Credit Card with the $500,000 limit. Do you...?

SITUATION: You've bought a "SMALL SOLDIERS" Chip Hazard figure that does more than just talk! Somehow, it acts as real as the ones in the movie. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your elaborate ham radio equipment has picked up a transmission from outer space! Aliens are attempting contact! Do you...?

SITUATION: You leave your somewhat mischievous and alarmingly clever pre-teen son alone for a few hours and return to find that he has painted most of the contents of the living room, including the walls, carpet, furniture, and himself, bright blue. Do you...?

SITUATION: January 1, 2000. Nothing major happens, except YOUR computer wasn't ready for it. 35.5 GB of assorted files are gone forever. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 16-year-old daughter has brought her new boyfriend home. He calls himself "Anarchy" and he's a foul-mouthed 23-year-old tattoo artist who hasn't bathed in a year, has a shaved head with a skull tattooed on it, wants to tattoo obscene limericks on your daughter (which she approves of), and his goal in life is to take a dump on the White House lawn. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 10-year-old son has announced that he wants to go out on Halloween as a ballerina. Do you...?

SITUATION: You have a large swimming pool that your 6-year-old son loves. Only thing is, every time he's in it, at some point he pees. It doesn't seem to bother him, though. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're on a drive in the country with your young children. Suddenly you hit a raccoon. Looking back, the animal is by the side of the road, wounded but not dead. Your children are very upset. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 13-year-old son is addicted to video games and refuses to come away from the TV and Nintendo even for dinner. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your office is about to have its mandatory-attendance holiday party. The only thing worse than associating with your co-workers on a professional level is trying to get along with them at a party. Do you...?

SITUATION: December 31, 1999. You're at a New Year's Party that is going very well except for one anal-retentive that insists the millennium doesn't start until 2001, and on some calendars in the world it's not even the year 2000, so it's all a big myth. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are having a backyard hamburger barbecue for about a dozen friends. As you go inside to get the ground beef for the hamburger patties, you discover your dog Fido has been scarfing the meat. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are in a high-rise elevator. You feel what will certainly be a massive, loud, reeking fart coming on. The elevator is crowded. Do you...?

SITUATION: A friend has fixed you up with a blind date. When you meet the date, you discover a person with body odor so bad it would gag a buzzard, and who is so ugly they are afflicted with audible acne. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are an unmarried male in your early 20's. You are on a long-distance drive by yourself. In the middle of nowhere, you encounter a hitchhiker. The hitchhiker is a gorgeous young woman, also in her early 20's, wearing only a string bikini and a broad smile. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your spouse has levels of flatulence, especially after bedtime, that boggle the mind. Your spouse refuses to acknowledge the problem. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a long-distance truck driver. While driving along one evening in the middle of nowhere, you notice four people in the pick-up truck just ahead of you, stark naked and in the midst of an orgy. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are at an outdoor party that is unfortunately being hogged by a pompous, loudmouthed bore. You notice at one point he sets his drink down, and the host's cat comes along and pees in the drink. The bore hasn't noticed and neither has the host, but others have. No one's saying anything. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 7-year-old son has made friends with a little 7-year-old girl in the neighborhood. Her parents have a pool and your son is over there often, but only when the parents are home. One day you go over early to pick him up, and discover the children in the pool stark naked, with the girl's parents' permission. Do you...?

SITUATION: Y-2-K. All of the doomsayers were right. Computers are useless. Cash machines won't work. There's no official proof that you even exist, let alone have any assets to your name except what you own. There's no power, no water, and chaos reigns. There's no telling when, or if, it will all be straightened out. The world is rioting. Do you...?

SITUATION: Through your computer hacking, you have discovered that NASA and the United States government has been keeping hidden for years the fact that structures of clearly intelligent origin have been discovered on Mars (and I don't mean that "Face"). Do you...?

SITUATION: You believe you have successfully toilet-trained your five-year-old son. At least he no longer wets his pants. However, on an outing to a large mall, you lose sight of him only briefly, and when you finally spot him, he's peeing in a public fountain in the mall! Do you...?

SITUATION: You are an upper-middle-class white man with a charming wife and children. Although no one would ever call you racist, and some of your office workers are of various ethnic origin, and you regard them as friends, you're not entirely comfortable around militant members of minority groups. A new couple has just moved into your neighborhood. They include a black man with his Hispanic wife and their adopted teenage Oriental daughter. Although they come across as friendly, they are all involved in race-based special interest groups, and are working on a new form of music called "Mariachi Rap". Do you...?

SITUATION: Your eight-year-old daughter likes to play with G.I.Joe, dresses in camouflage T-shirts and slacks, refuses to wear dresses, has no use for "dolls", and plans to either "join the army or professional football" when she grows up. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a young black man living in an urban ghetto. It's a rough life, but you cope with it with pride. A white couple has just moved into your apartment building, claiming they want to experience the "urban lifestyle". Do you...?

SITUATION: January 1, 2000, came and went across the world with scarcely a "Y2K" glitch to be reported. Supposedly a satellite weather map in France wrote the date as "19100". What was/is your reaction as the new day/century/millennium dawned...?

SITUATION: You have just lost an argument with your increasingly rebellious 14-year-old son. You lost when during a face-to-face confrontation, he kicked you in the "family jewels". Do you...?

SITUATION: The most obnoxious of your co-workers, who prides himself on a perfect and meticulous computer "desktop", is taking a two-week vacation. At the same time, your mutual supervisor asks YOU to handle the computer lockdowns for the next couple of weeks. This means you'll be alone in the office with your co-worker's computer. Do you...?

SITUATION: Y2K came and went and the world survived. Except YOU stocked up on everything and stashed it all in the bunker you dug in the backyard. You've got two tons of canned goods, two hundred gallons of bottled water, and enough batteries to charge your flashlights until Y3K. None of the stores are accepting returns. Do you...?

SITUATION: A belated Y2K glitch has affected your bank account. Instead of $3,500 in your account, you've got $3,500,000! Do you...?

SITUATION: Your child is such a fanatic fan of STAR WARS that he now speaks only in the strange grammatical structure of Yoda. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your young daughter has an excellent collection of dolls, but has recently become frightened by all the "staring eyes" of the dolls, especially at night when she is put to bed. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are at an amusement park. You have thus far ingested three hot dogs with trimmings, half a pizza, a large wad of cotton candy, uncounted french fries, part of your son's cheeseburger, and a 64 oz. soft drink. You are now on an especially long roller-coaster ride called the "Sphincter Buster". It is about to live up to its name as you feel you are about to return most of the foodstuffs you have eaten to the park from whence they came in what will surely be a massive amount of frighteningly colorful vomit. The ride isn't quite half over. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your prize Pomeranian, which you were about to enter in a prestigious dog show, turns up dead near your neighbor's yard. Your neighbor's dog is also entered in the dog show and you suspect foul play. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your child is a frantic Pokemon fan, and her prize possession is an electronic Pikachu that wiggles its ears and says "Pika" and "Pikachu" at random. The whole thing gets on your nerves but you let it slide because it makes your child happy. One day something goes wrong with the Pikachu and it won't shut up, and you've had about enough anyway. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are called upon to take care of your neighbor's cat while your neighbor is away. Your neighbor is a very large and occasionally menacing individual who cares deeply for the cat. However, you both live on the 82nd floor of a high rise building, and one evening while playing with the cat, the cat chases a toy you rolled onto the balcony -- and over the edge. Your neighbor gets home tomorrow. "Fluffy" is now street pizza. Do you...?

SITUATION: You have checked into a luxurious hotel as part of your long overdue vacation. As you allow the glorious ambience of the place to wash over you, and as you settle in for a good night's sleep on the king-size bed after a multi-stop plane flight, the people in the room next to you decide to stage what sounds like a 12-person orgy accompanied by music that resembles a disco version of the Macarena with extra-heavy bass. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are approached by an on-the-street reporter to give your opinion on the upcoming election and which candidates and propositions you favor. It is a live interview and the camera and microphone are right there. Do you...?

SITUATION: You have just checked into college and been given your dormitory assignment. One of your roommates is an extremely active homosexual and the other is an equally active black militant. You, a white conservative, are not especially comfortable with this. They're not too fond of you, either, really. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your mother-in-law decides to move in with you and your wife. Your wife is thrilled. You would sooner be dragged buck naked over hot tar and carpet tacks, but for the sake of your marriage, you relent. However, when the old bat shows up, she also has het latest acquisition with her -- an obese, ill-tempered, constantly-shedding cat whose levels of rancid-fish-smelling flatulence would set a record for this sort of thing if anyone kept records of it. Your wife thinks the cat is cute. You're finding yourself either nagged, shed, or gassed out of your home. Do you...?

SITUATION: You have just discovered a copy of your father's will. He intends to leave his considerable estate entirely to your younger brother, a reckless drug addict whose been in and out of jail so many times they're considering installing a revolving door on his cell. You discuss this with your father, who says that your brother is "just a free spirit on a journey to find himself" and that he'll be okay by the time he'd inherit the money, and that you, a successful businessman, don't need it anyway. Do you...?

SITUATION: You buy what looks like a cheap painting at a yard sale. You decide to have a little fun and have it appraised, whereupon it turns out to be a long lost masterpiece by a famous artist. It's worth millions. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 11-year-old son is bright, friendly, intelligent, and neat-looking. However, his room looks like a Wal-Mart blew up and smells like a football team's locker room. A casual glimpse through watering eyes and plugged nose show evidence of long-lost dinner plates with various growths on them that might be in violation of Enviromental Protection Standards, tossed around clothing that certainly is, parts of assorted toys that do not seem to belong with each other unless someone is making something with the head of a dinosaur, the body of a robot, and the legs of Conan the Barbarian, and several scattered CDs, two of them broken. Somewhere amidst all this is a bed and some basic furniture. Your son doesn't seem bothered by any of it, and you have tried to instill personal responsibility in the boy, and hate the thought of invading his privacy and taking what you regard as drastic action. But it's getting out of hand. Your pets seem to avoid walking past the room and stagger a bit when they do. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a young woman who has been set up on a blind date by a friend, to meet at the date's home. Your friend assures you that the date is an "interesting individual". You arrive at his home to discover the walls painted in a barnyard motif, him dressed as a shepherd, an obscene version of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" playing on the stereo, and he politely hands you a black wool sweater and suggests playing a game he calls "Baa Baa Black Sheep." Do you...?

SITUATION: It is summertime in a rural area, and your 8-year-old son is out of school. It is warm and sunny outside, and expected to largely remain such. Your son adores the outdoors, and since it is summer, you've been rather lax with the rules. He's even been sleeping outside at night in a hammock. He hasn't had a haircut in weeks, hasn't bothered to wear a shirt, and has been alternating between worn jeans and swim trunks. He also hasn't had a bath in a week, and baths are always a struggle. But he's got so much dirt and grass stains on him at this point that he looks like he's camouflaged, his hair could be mistaken for a bird's nest, and frankly, he's starting to smell a bit. Just as well he's staying outside. You don't want to spoil his summer fun, but has this gone on long enough? Do you...?

SITUATION: You are walking through a park when some arrogant little punk nearly runs you down on his skateboard. You yell at him and he turns around and starts swearing at you even as he continues on his skateboard. Not watching where he was going, he soon runs off the sidewalk and across a gravel parking lot. He falls and slides. All he was wearing was cut-offs. His back now resembles Freedy Krueger's face. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are at the beach. You find a woman's bikini top. There are no likely owners in the immediate vicinity. Do you...?

SITUATION: You and your spouse are about to have your first child. You want to choose a reasonable name such as James or Susan. Your spouse, a former "free spirit" who apparently is still subject to moments of phenomenal stupidity, is extremely insistent on calling the child "Blowfish Ignatz" regardless of gender. Do you...?

SITUATION: You reside in a comfortable, well-kept, upper middle-class neighborhood. You awake one morning to discover a homeless man sleeping on your front porch. From the look -- and the stench -- he has been homeless for quite some time, with either little intention or little ability to change his situation. Do you...?

SITUATION: A large corporation intends to build its new headquarters where your neighborhood presently stands. They have made generous offers to all residents, with enough payment so that everyone can buy new homes and practically retire. Everyone has gladly accepted -- except one holdout who doesn't want to leave his home and thinks that giving up one's home to a corporation is immoral regardless of how much money is offered. The entire deal is in jeopardy since the decision must be unanimous. Do you...?

SITUATION: You run a sheep farm. One afternoon while checking your wide-ranging flock, you discover the town weirdo having intimate relations with one of your ewes. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 16-year-old son seems well-adjusted enough and is doing well in school, but he is absolutely adamant about the fact that his room is "off-limits" even to you, his parents. You've been reasonably tolerant of this, but you've become increasingly concerned about what goes on in there. So one day, while he is in school, you decide to investigate. Fortunately, you find no drugs, tobacco, or alcohol. However, under the bed, you do find a large stack of porno magazines, as well as a pink tutu, fifteen yellow rubber duckys, a tube of neon blue face paint, a red ukelele, and a large, green Afro wig. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a single man driving to his long-deserved vacation at a remote resort in the mountains. It is getting late at night and you are tired. You believe you have found the place and manage to check in, half-asleep. The next morning you discover that you have not checked into the resort you intended, but instead are at a nudist colony! Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a new employee at a major investment firm. One of the higher-ups is offering you and a number of other recent employees to get in on an inside deal that, if it works, will make you millionaires. If it doesn't work, the lot of you are the scapegoats and are not only out the door, but possibly in jail. Do you...?

SITUATION: You have successfully invented a time machine, but the device can only travel to the past, with a maximum range of about 50 years. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your neighbor's cat unloads under the same bush on your property every single day. You're getting tired of cleaning up the mess. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a 15-year-old boy. You have a good relationship with your parents, but you'd rather spend time with your friends these days. Your father, unfortunately, wants to try to "keep the family together" and is making efforts to act "cool" so he can fit in with your friends. He fits in about as well as a porcupine in a room full of balloons. You don't really want to hurt his feelings, but it's getting ridiculous. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a 15-year-old teenage boy. You want to hang around with your friends, but your little 6-year-old brother always wants to tag along and follows you everywhere. He's a good kid, but he can also be a bit of a pest, and there's some stuff you'd like to do where he just wouldn't fit in. Nothing illegal, just "teen stuff". Do you...?

SITUATION: You buy a lottery ticket and it wins. You've just cashed in on about $100 million. One big problem, though. The very strict church that you and your family belong to frowns very heavily on any form of gambling and has been working actively to put an end to the state lottery. In the past, when a member has played the lottery and won even a small amount, and the church has found out, they have demanded that the church member refuse to accept the money. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 7-year-old son is unbelievably harsh with his toys. He throws them into walls and deliberately breaks them. The house is littered with the sorry remains of toy cars and action figures. You're getting tired of spending money for good toys only to have them broken in a week. You also wonder about the level of violence your son is displaying, and the lack of care he shows towards his belongings. Do you...?

SITUATION: Three years ago, you divorced your wife and left her with custody of your then not-quite-three-year-old son. In those three years, you becae a successful international businessman. You now wish to visit your son, and your ex-wife says that this is fine with her. You arrive at their home and are shown around back to a six-year-old boy sitting in a mud puddle. He has very straggly shoulder-length hair and is wearing only a pair of ragged overalls. Your wife has not done that badly for herself, and explains that this is simply how the boy prefers to be. You have him cleaned up and take him for a weekend. You discover over the course of the weekend that the boy prefers to be naked when indoors, can't remember the last time he had a haircut, does not attend school and is essentially illiterate even though he seems intelligent, lives for playing in anything dirty, and thinks wetting his pants is fun (although you prevent him from actually doing so). This is certainly not what you expected in your son despite your long absence. Part of you wonders if your ex-wife was more bitter than you realized and raised the boy so strangely on purpose. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 15-year-old daughter has an obsession about "boy bands" that seems to go far beyond even what her peers show. She plays Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and anybody else at all hours of the day and night -- much to you and your spouse's growing annoyance. Her goal in life is to marry "either Zac Hanson or Aaron Carter, whichever one accepts!" Her walls are so plastered with posters that she's having to use the ceiling for new ones and you've forgotten what color the walls WERE. This seems to be getting out of hand, and yet she seems to be otherwise a happy, caring young girl, who has good friends and does well in school. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your ten-year-old son and a few of his friends are huge fans of the Japanese animated series GUNDAM WING. They claim that they want to build their own Gundam. You assume that they're interested in the model kits, so you buy a couple for your son. He's pleased with them and does a good job building them, but says that his friends have a bigger project in mind, and can he have some money for poster board. You figure he's going to do some drawings or maybe make a cutout of a Gundam, which would be a good use of the imaginative boy's free time, so you give him the money. Whatever the project is, it's being worked on at the neighbors', where one of the boys lives. Three weeks later, you come home to discover a twelve-foot-tall, three-dimensional Gundam made out of multiple colors of poster board, and a lot of staples and glue, standing in the front yard of the neighbors, with your son and his friends standing around it. Needless to say, you're stunned. The workmanship and detail are superb. The arms and legs can even move! Still, you're now faced with what to do with a twelve-foot cardboard Gundam, since your neighbor informs you that it was mostly your son's idea and work, and they don't have room for it. Do you...?

SITUATION: While cleaning out the attic of the home you inherited from your parents, you come across a huge stash of toys that they never got around to giving you for some reason. Dozens of old G.I.Joes, superheroes, Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars, and more, all carefully preserved in their original packages from the 1960's. Your young son is with you and he thinks the toys are way cool! You're not really sure what to do with them, but you indicate that the boy is likely to get them. The next day at work, you make reference to this find to a co-worker, who happens to be knowledgable about this sort of thing. You learn that these toys are worth enough to probably put your son through college -- but only if they're kept in their original packages. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your 8-year-old child was running through the house, slipped, and broke a valuable, sentimental, but horrendously ugly vase that belonged to your wife's great-grandmother. The child is unhurt and is very sorry for what happened. Your wife wants the child punished with no dinner and a one-week grounding for this terrible misdeed, claiming that the child should've known better than to run in the house and that the vase was very valuable and meant a lot to her. You're doing all you can not to laugh over the fact that that butt-ugly piece of porcelain is finally gone for good. You have a policy of trying to be united in disciplining your child. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your child wants to take up martial arts. A couple of his friends at school have recommended a certain martial arts studio. Upon investigation, you discover that the studio not only teaches martial arts, but incorporates a lot of Oriental philosophy. You are not comfortable with this, although your child doesn't see it as a big deal. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your family has been invited to a community picnic. You get the time, place, and what to bring, but don't really read the entire invitation. You arrive with your wife and your neatly-dressed-and-groomed 9-year-old son, only to discover that the primary activity for the kids at this picnic is a huge mud pit about thirty feet across and knee-deep based on the mud-splattered-and-covered children already in it, building "mud castles" and throwing around beachballs. Your son is wearing his best shirt and slacks, and it took you over an hour to get to the park. He REALLY wants to go play in the mud until it's time to eat, at which point the kids will all be hosed off by a local fire truck. Hosing off will not save these clothes. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your wife, who has become decidedly hefty in recent years, despite your wishes to the contrary, stands on a chair to hang a picture on a high wall. The seat of the chair collapses. She is uninjured, but she is trapped in the framework. She calls for your assistance. Do you...?

SITUATION: You decide to check in on your 12-year-old son who is reportedly doing his homework on the computer with the aid of the Internet. You walk in on him just as he's downloading a number of highly pornographic images, having somehow bypassed the protections you put in place. Yours is a Christian household with no room for such filth. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your son has just borrowed the coveted sports section of the newspaper. You're pleased that the child you previously assumed to be a bookworm little geek is finally getting involved in something properly manly. Then you discover that he just wanted the newspaper to put down on the floor prior to spray painting his latest starship model kit. Do you...?

SITUATION: Serious question this time: Your child has come home -- more than once -- reporting to be the victim of severe physical and verbal bullying. None of his/her friends or teachers have done anything about the matter, and the bullies are clever enough to cover their tracks. Do you...?

SITUATION: You and your family are due at a wedding. Somehow your seven-year-old son has gotten hold of a pair of scissors and whacked holes in the legs of his best trousers. The only other pants he has are blue jeans or shorts. You're nearly late already. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your neighbors, with whom you are good friends and your pre-teen kids are best friends with theirs, suggest a summer vacation together. You all agree, and then you find out that the vacation will take place at a nudist resort. Your kids think it's a great idea. You're nowhere near as convinced, and you're not entirely comfortable. You're told that you CAN wear clothes, but even so, your children have stated they have no problem being naked outside and around others. Do you...?

SITUATION: While you were working in another room of the house, your seven-year-old daughter and five-year-old son decided to try to prepare a cake from scratch. You enter the kitchen in order to start dinner, and are confronted by, in no particular order, a seven-year-old girl dusted with so much flour she looks like an extra from "Poltergeist", a five-year-old boy covered in so much cake frosting and whipped cream you're not sure there's a child under that mess, and a kitchen that looks like one of the sets from the climatic scene from "Twister". Your kids, of course, have that innocent, "Hi, Mom, look what we did!" look on their faces -- what you can see of their faces, anyway. Do you...?

SITUATION: Your wife's large and somewhat elderly St. Bernard, which you've never been entirely fond of, but the dog came with the woman, has developed a flatulence level of truly epic proportions. Your neighbors think you've bought a tuba, and you're wondering how in the world anybody can work in a pet food plant if this is even remotely what it smells like. The veterinarian says there's nothing much that can be done -- it's just the dog's age. Your wife doesn't seem to mind. You're being gassed out of your own home, you're losing your appetite and your mind in that order, and you're thinking of buying stock in the Lysol company for all the deodorant spray you're using. Enough is enough. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a single parent trying your best to give your children a decent diet. They, however, have just received a free sample for a new breakfast cereal called "Neon Sugar Fruity Critters", which consists of painfully brightly colored animal-shaped cereal and marshmallow bits with enough sugar frosting on them to make the average six-year-old even more incoherent and hyperactive than they already are. They got to the mail first, and have already finished it off, and even though they've burned it out of their system (after several hours of activity that had you wondering if tranquilizer darts were called for), they're whining for more. You want to maintain a peaceful household. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a single man in his mid-20's. You've just met what you believe to be the girl of your dreams. She's witty, intelligent, and a knockout. She's also crazy about you (God knows why). Only one problem -- she's a militant vegan. Your diet tends to consist of cheeseburgers and pizza. She regards all meat as murder, and perceives dairy products to be exploiting "our bovine brethren". She maintains a vegetable garden of her own and will only eat what she herself grows, and drinks only water. She expects you to do likewise if there is to be a lasting relationship. You're crazy about her, but this makes you wonder. Do you...?

SITUATION: You come home early from work and notice your 13-year-old son sitting at the computer, checking out a wide range of pornographic Web Sites, which clearly have him... excited. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a young, virile male who for some reason has had no luck in the romance department. You couldn't get a date if you bought a calendar. You decide to head to a singles club to try your luck. While there, you are approached by a youngish-looking woman with multiple profane tattoos, body odor that would gag a buzzard, a physique that would make some sumo wrestlers envious, leg hair that looks like she received a transplant from the gorilla house at the zoo, and braided multi-colored dreadlocks -- in her armpits. Her clear intent is to seduce you. Do you...?

SITUATION: You are a young woman who has met the man of your dreams. He's intelligent, handsome, doing well financially, and looks to be "well-endowed". You're on your most recent date, which you've both decided will conclude with an intimate encounter at "his place", the first time you've been there. He suggests you head to the bedroom and he'll be right with you. You enter the bedroom to discover a triangular-shaped waterbed, an inflatable sheep wearing a latex bra, open cans of acrylic paint in a wide range of fluorescent colors, a five-gallon container of mayonnaise, twenty-three lava lamps, and playing softly on a boom box in the corner, "The Best of Slim Whitman". While you're trying to decide what to make of this, the "man of your dreams" enters the bedroom wearing only a propellor beanie cap and an inflatable swimming pool inner tube with a duck's head on it that squeaks. He hands you a World War II gas mask and a pair of swim fins, tells you to get naked and put them on, and to prepare for the ride of your life. Do you...?

SITUATION: You live in a third-floor apartment accessible by an outdoor stairwell of concrete steps with metal railings. The apartment across a short walkway from you is inhabited by an older couple whose young grandchildren visit regularly, and take great delight in stomping up and down the steps as loudly and as frequently as possible when they visit. To say that this is annoying is an understatement. You've tried to keep to yourself, but you just can't take it anymore, and based on observation, the grandparents think the kids are perfect little darlings who can do no wrong. Do you...?

SITUATION: You have recently purchased a top of the line DVD Player. A friend of yours highly skilled with technology offers to upgrade it so that it can show all manner of hidden features on DVDs that are not on the main menus. You allow him to do this. Much to your astonishment, when you start checking your DVDs, you find that the vast majority are encoded with subliminal messages that advocate complete obedience to the government, rampant consumerism, mindless tolerance of political correctness, and general apathy about a wide range of global problems. Clearly there's a vast conspiracy afoot here between the government and the entertainment media to keep the population stupid and subdued. Do you...?

SITUATION: You live in a quiet, peaceful, middle-class neighborhood. Some new neighbors have moved in next door to you. Unfortunately, they're members of a bizarre cult. The group consists of five young adults who have their heads half-shaved, wear neon yellow robes at all times, bathe only once every two weeks, beat tambourines and chant in something that sounds like Klingonese five times a day, and are actively trying to convert the rest of the neighborhood, including your pre-teen children. They do not respond to requests to cease this activity since they claim it is their constitutional right. You and a lot of other people on the block have had enough, and they certainly haven't won any converts or friends. Do you...?

SITUATION: You have a new neighbor! Unfortunately, he's a fat, baritone opera singer with inhuman volume capability, who likes to practice with all of the windows open because he feels it gives his voice better resonance. You're being subjected to deep, loud opera five days a week. Do you...?

SITUATION: You're driving home when the neighbor's cat darts in front of your car. You've never liked this cat. It kills birds, "marks its territory" in your yard repeatedly, and yowls every other night. But you also know that your elderly neighbor is completely devoted to the animal. Do you...?

SITUATION: New neighbors have just moved in. You live on the next street over, but your backyards meet with a fence inbetween. They're decent people, but they like to spend summer weekends in the backyard in the nude. This might not be a problem, except he looks liek a partially shaved wooly mammoth, and she looks like Jabba the Hutt. You're not so much offended as sickened. Do you...?

SITUATION: A family of radical Muslims has moved onto your street. Married couple and three kids aged about 8 to 15. They make no attempt to hide the fact that they're here strictly for the employment and educational opportunities, that they consider America to be otherwise corrupt, and that any attacks against Americans are well-deserved. Do you...?

SITUATION: The court has finally given you visitation rights with your 8-year-old son, following a nasty custody battle. You pick him up the first weekend, and discover that in the near year since you've been allowed to see him, he's been allowed to color his hair blue, and spends most of his time around home naked, and his favorite activity is playing in the mud. You are a rather conservative and clean individual, and don't really know what to do about this. You don't want to alienate your child. Do you...?

SITUATION: After doing a little research on eBay and collectors' sites, you realize that your old childhood toys and comics are worth a small fortune! If you can auction them well, you may be able to retire! You remember carefully storing them in the attic of your parents' home. You go there to pick them up, only to have your mother tell you that they were thrown out years ago, since a grown man has no need for such nonsense. Do you...?