User: TraceyInSkirts

Wa alaykumu s-salam Sister,

What a lovely story! Weren't you lucky to find a conservative Muslim willing to accept an unmarried mother and her children? You must be ever so pretty!

It is very kind of you to offer your help and advice. I do have some questions if you don't mind.

Were you happy to give up your job to become a full-time housewife? How do you cope with cooking, cleaning and laundry EVERY DAY? Did you adopt Muslim dress like niqab willingly? Do you ever feel trapped and isolated? Do you ever dream of reverting to jeans or short skirts? Do you ever get out of the house - maybe with your girfriends - and just do your own thing? Before you married, did you drink or smoke? If so, do you miss it now? Do you ever fantasise about flirting with a man other than your husband?

I do try to be a good Muslimah and I love and respect my husband. I wouldn't dream of directlly disobeying him or his mother, but how can I lean to truly submit IN MY HEART? Are my rebellious feelings natural for a convert or am I just a bad woman?

Sincere apologies if any of this is intrusive.

I'd love to email you but I'd better ask my husband's permission first.

Love,

S

I got this from a 23-year old American Muslimah convert. It is similar to my own experience so I'll share it. She is clearly less rebellious than I was and I truly admire her.

"The Burqa is different to the Niqab but many people confuse them. The Burqa is most common in Afghanistan. It is a big sheet of usually blue fabric that covers the girl from head to toe, with a net-like material over her face so she can breathe and see out without revealing herself. The Niqab is a garment, usually black, that the girl wears over her undersscarf and headscarf to cover her face. Some types show her eyes, others have layers she can pull down to cover them. It is most common in Saudi Arabia but also worn in many other countries.

Before my husband and I were married, he made it clear that he wanted his wife to wear Niqab and Abaya. I asked him if it they were obligatory for Muslim girls. He told me they are fard (obligatory) and showed me the Hadiths as proof. He knows infinitely more about Islam than I do so I accepted it.

Before my new life started just over a year ago I had barely seen a Muslim female. Seeing a Hijabi was very unusual let alone a Niqabi! Where we live now I do see more Niqabis. When we moved and I saw these other girls it was comforting to realize I wasn't the only one! I think many Niqabis feel happy when they see others like them.

The Niqab is a major step for Muslim girls and a huge sacrifice for God. I always get asked by women "When did you start wearing it?" Many are shocked that it was right after I got married and my husband took me to live with him. He had an Abaya and Niqab in his car that and literally handed them to me and told me they'd be what I'd be wearing everyday for the rest of my life and to get used to it!

I had a lot of trouble starting to wear my headscarf and Niqab and Abaya. It felt very strange and when I looked in the mirror I couldn't believe my eyes! I could no longer see my features or my figure... it was do different, totally modest and conservative. I had never been anything like so covered in my entire life. I had not stepped slowly into my new lifestyle; I had just jumped right in. Since that day I have always been in Abaya and Niqab in public or in front of men.

Getting used to wearing so many layers of clothing was a challenge because I was used to wearing so little. But I accepted this was my life now and that I was covering my body head to toe to please God and to respect my husband.

Let me describe how I dress outside the home: Black Abaya, black under-scarf, black headscarf, black Niqab. And underneath I wear a long skirt or dress, black turtleneck, black stockings and black closed toe shoes. Black gloves as well to cover my hands. So yes I wear many layers and all black. My husband says black is the most modest colour and best conceals my figure.

My Niqabs have three layers of thin black chiffon fabric. If I wear it with a single layer, my eyes show, but the rest of my face is hidden. I can pull down another layer to cover my eyes: no one can really see them but I can see out. This is how I usually wear it. There is a final layer I pull down over my eyes when there are lots of men around and I need total modesty: I can still see out but it is quite difficult, no one else can see anything at all except the black fabric.

Like most girls, when I first wore Niqab I found it hard to breathe. I had to keep lifting it up a little for air. When you have never had something covering your face it feels suffocating. Even now when I am very hot it feels hard to breathe, but usually it is not too bad. Girls who have been wearing Niqab for years and years have no issues. I think it is just like anything new like when you first wear a bra. You just have to break yourself in and get used to it.

Another challenge I faced was how hot I got! I stayed inside in air conditioning whenever I could! It is very uncomfortable to go out in the heat in all these layers unless you are used to it and have been doing it for years! Even in cold weather it is very easy to get hot. It is something that is very foreign to me because I was so used to being cool and comfortable. Now I am always hot.

Wearing Niqab and Abaya takes practice. I was told recently I put it on like a "pro" when I was leaving an all-female gathering and had to rush to cover up because my husband was waiting outside. I guess I have gotten faster at it! I used to need a mirror (and still prefer one), but I am able to put them on without looking now.

Eating out with a Niqab on is very very hard. Some girls can but I am not one of them! You have to raise your Niqab with one hand just enough to slip the fork/food underneath with your other but not so much that anyone can see your face. You don't quite know where your mouth is and you can't judge where you are putting your food. Any time I've tried I get food all over the inside of my Niqab which then gets all over my face so I have to rush home to wash and change! It makes it not worth eating. It is much easier to eat at home in private. Drinking with the Niqab works best if you have a straw. I can raise my Niqab just enough to slip the drink underneath with the straw straight up and wait for it to hit my mouth. Yay finally something not hard! I feel like a baby trying to eat and drink sometimes!

Before I converted and married I dressed just like all the girls I knew in tight and revealing American clothing. I asked my husband what to do with all my cute clothes? Did I have to throw them out? He told me I was still free to wear them inside the home.

For those of you who are not aware, girls who wear Niqab and Abaya do not wear them at home with our husbands or in all female gatherings. Many times in public non-Muslims see a girl covered in black fabric from head to toe and think that is how she always looks. Little do they know that she could be wearing a very pretty outfit underneath! Or that when she gets home the layers come off and she can let her hair loose and put on high heels!

I am a girly girl who loves to dress up and look pretty. I have always loved feminine things: lingerie, pretty dresses, getting my hair done, fragrance and makeup. Before Islam and marriage I would dress this way in public for any stranger to see. I didn't realize it was immoral and wrong. But now I only dress like this for my husband and that is how it should be. My feminine beauty is for my husband alone and for no one else. It is truly beautiful to live this way.

Many people have the misconception that girls who wear Abayas and Niqabs must be unattractive and unkempt. Nothing could be further from the truth. When I visit another girl's house for an all-female gathering we take off our Niqabs and Abayas, revealing our nice hair and makeup, pretty dresses, jewellery and accessories! All girls want to be feminine and love makeup, hairdos and nice dresses. Muslim girls who cover are no different! The only difference is that we only show this side of ourselves in our homes with our husbands and in all-girl settings.

There are big challenges to wearing Niqab and Abaya, but it is all worth it because I am doing it for my husband and for God. Insha'Allah I will be rewarded."

Hi Emma,

Congratulations on your pregnancy! How exciting! I bet your hubby and mother in law hope it's a boy! Only baby girls for me so far :(

Thanks for your message. Gosh, we DO have lots in common don't we? I'll happily give you some advice and I hope you find it useful. You love your husband, you agreed to all the rules and you find Islam beautiful. So you are on the right track!

It is natural that you struggle with the isolation and segregation of your new life. For a convert, used to jeans and T-shirts, shrouding yourself from head to toe in yards of black nylon is hard. You are bound to get angry and upset at times. But that is because your old life was WRONG!!! I'm sure you want to be a good Muslimah. Islam teaches us that men are men and women are women. It profoundly respects the strength of our natural impulses and teaches us the paramount importance of modesty. You wear your pretty dresses in the home to please your husband. As a wife you can't have any legitimate interest in other men. What would you think of your husband if he let you flaunt yourself before them? so out of doors you cover up - simple! This potects you and protects them. You need to understand why abaya, hijab and niqab are necessary - the sooner the better. A rebellious attitude only prolongs the misery - trust me, I know.

As a wife and mum-to-be your place is in the home. Understand why you aren't allowed out alone or without permission. It ensures that you remain a good wife and are SEEN to be so. It ensures you are kept SAFE! In other words it PROTECTS YOU! Why would a married girl need to wander around on her own.....unless she had something to hide.

You'll spend most of your time and energy on housework so don't resent it. Adopting a positive and enthusiastic attitude to your domestic duties will help you enjoy them and improve your skills. Your husband works hard to provide for you, regard your housework as your love-offering to him. Ask your mother in law for guidance on cooking, cleaning and laundry. She'll accept you more readily if she sees you making every effort to be an obedient and devoted housewife.

It is the way of Islam for your mother in law to be strict with you! As you are a new convert she'll be super-vigilant to make sure you are toeing the line! Accept that she knows far more about Islam (and far more about running a home) than you. My best advice is to keep your mouth shut, do as you are told, and look forward to the day when YOU will have a daughter in law to boss around! Never bring your husband into your squabbles - he's bound to side with his mother.

You've chosen to marry into a strict Muslim family. You've voluntarily accepted their faith. Understand their rules and values and making them YOUR rules and values. Devote yourself wholeheartedly to home, husband, family and faith. Understand why the "restrictions" on your former "freedoms" HELP you to become a pious, dutiful and modest housewife.

I have a couple of questions for you. Do you enjoy your prayers? Are you required to wear skirts all the time?

Best wishes,

S

http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/490497

http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/490497